Child of God

Why is it so hard for us to accept our true identity?

I’ve had many supernatural experiences, but there’s one story I always keep coming back to when times get tough and I start doubting God and Jesus and whether any of this is real or just a figment of my imagination.

It was in 2017, shortly after my divorce, and I’d started occasionally attending Catholic Mass on Sundays. That particular day, Father P., the parish priest, was off, and some elderly priest I’d never seen before was subbing for him.

All of the readings plus the homily were about love, marriage, and relationships. I sat there in my pew, getting quietly choked up, thinking, Will I ever again find anyone who loves me like that?

After Mass, as people were leaving, I walked down the front steps to greet the old priest. As I shook his hand, he gave me a beatific smile and said, “I. Love you. Very much.”

I knew in an instant that this was the Holy Spirit, God Himself talking to me through this priest, personally telling me that He loved me. What an enormous gift!

But even a monumental reassurance like this isn’t always enough.

Years later, I was in Confession with Father J., our new parish priest. “I’m too judgmental and critical toward others,” I said.

“Why don’t you pray to God and ask Him to reveal to you where this comes from?” he suggested.

“Oh,” I said offhandedly, “I know where it comes from; I just can’t stop myself.”

“Where does it come from?”

“Deep down, it comes from a sense of self-loathing and a lack of self-esteem,” I said matter-of-factly. “Feeling unlovable, feeling worthless. I’m very hard on myself, so I’m hard on others as well.”

A brief silence as he was processing my words. “But what is the truth?” he said softly.

What did he mean? I felt like I was taking a quiz and failing. “I… I don’t know,” I stammered. “I guess that I’m an adopted child of God?”

“The truth is,” he said gently, “that you are His Beloved.”

That made me cry.

Later, with Father J. as my spiritual director, I dove deep, deep into this dark abyss and emerged a changed woman.

But change doesn’t always last forever. We often fall back into our old habits and negative self-assessments—and it’s very important that we get reminded of the truth from time to time.

Such a time was tonight when I discovered a short Pints with Aquinas video with Matt Fradd, a nun and a monk. In the clip, Mother Natalia, a nun from the Christ the Bridegroom Monastery in Burton, Ohio, answers a moving viewer question from a woman who says she has lived a sinful lifestyle and wants to repent and throw herself into the arms of the Church but doesn’t know how to overcome the terrible guilt and shame.

Mother Natalia begins by saying that we shouldn’t define ourselves by our actions—neither by our sins nor by our good deeds. Instead, we need to seek and acknowledge our true identity as beloved sons and daughters of God.

“We were loved into existence,” she says, and our true human nature, the way God created us, is good and holy. To sin is not “being human,” she says, it’s being “sub-human.”

What a statement, how truly divinely inspired. Thank you, VatiGod, for reminding me (again).

Watch the clip here. Highly recommended.